The editor received his award with sheer delete

Guess what ladies?  I win.  That’s right. I am the worst mommy ever.
I am nominated for this award several times a day by my three year old, Mini-ion #2.  It generally comes in conjunction with my saying no to something, like slurping Nutella straight from the jar or running with scissors.  I’m all for natural consequences, but I’d still like her to have two functioning eyes.
I know many of you will be jealous of my worst mommy ever award.  I’m sure you’ve been nominated for, and striven to achieve it.  I’d say my keys to success revolve around the sheer number of times per day I’m nominated.  I had no idea I’d get nominated for even the little things, like making her go to the bathroom (so she doesn’t pee in her pants) or insisting she wear shoes to play in the snow

At this time I’d like to thank all of those that have helped me achieve this honor.  First to my own mom, who proudly hung the faxed version of “World’s Meanest Mom” ditto to her fridge.  Of course my father, who encouraged her to “be all she could be”.  Next, Dear Husband, who is likely grateful I’m the worst mommy ever, so I hopefully get it all out of my system so I’m not the worst wifey ever.  And finally, Mini-ion #1 and Mini-ion #2, who every day find new and creative things that I have to say no to, like hitting each other in the head with the Bible or playing the “fight game” from opposite sides of the couch.  Without you two, I’d have none of this in addition to the giggles, snuggles, hugs, head butts to the stomach, giant leaps on to the small of my back, kisses and general fluctuations between the feeling of I’m the luckiest mom to what path in the road did I take in my life to end up here.

Tell me, have you been nominated?

Posted in family, parenting | Tagged , , | 4 Comments

For insomnia move to the edge of the bed and you’ll soon drop off.

I found myself thinking, in the middle of the night, “how did I get here?”.  Here was laying on the very edge of my bed, while multiple bodies were absorbing the small half that is my side.
Ultimately I blame it on Mini-ion #1 teaching Mini-ion #2 how to escape her crib way too early.  Consequently she hasn’t felt the security of her toddler bed that Mini-ion #1 did, making her seek out that security in our bed in the middle of the night.
This particular night, all the cards were stacked against me.  Mini-ion #2 escaped her room already and after demanding water be fetched for her, had dominated the majority of my pillow.  As I tried to give her some space to restlessly find a position she was comfortable (and the majority of my side of the bed), she kept pushing me further and further.  Add in our overweight shih-tzu, our first child, who will whine on the floor until we personally invite him to jump up to our bed (every.single.time) had migrated from Dear Husband’s restless legs, past Mini-ion #2’s antics, to plop his chubby body up against my leg.  Then with the seemingly seal of doom of my finding a comfortable position, he then adorably rested his head on my leg.
There I found myself, dangerously dangling to stay on the bed, anchored by a small square of my pillow and a dog’s head on my ankle.  Then, as if to add fuel to the fire, a delicate snore erupted Dear Husband’s side of the bed as he peacefully, with sufficient space, traveled from one sleep cycle to another.
All so the angry devil that is Mini-ion #2 in the middle of the night, could find a comfortable, secure space to go back to sleep.
Please tell me I’m not alone!
Posted in parenting | Tagged , , , | 3 Comments

The most non-confrontational age of kids is when they benign

If the mini-ions had a facebook account, I believe they would parent shame us.  I haven’t seen buzzfeed do a reel about it, so I believe it could be new.
If one of them gets in trouble, the other one is yelling at us for making the first one cry.  This isn’t right, right?  What I hear and remember from my childhood was getting the other one in trouble with parents.  Not, if I stop one mini-ion from, let’s say, staying up all night playing games on the tablet, and said mini-ion cries, should the other one start yelling at me, chasing me down, telling me I need to go apologize.
And I don’t even really make them apologize to other kids when they make them cry.
So then the real parent shaming begins.  “MOM!  It’s not nice to make Mini-ion #1 cry!”  Add in grumpy look.  “MOM!  Look at my face.”  I look (NEVER LOOK!).  It is truly the world’s angriest face.  “MOM!  Go say you’re sorry!”
I think if she knew about it, she’d take a picture of me, shame-faced, with a sign that says, “I made my son stop playing minecraft at his bedtime.”
It doesn’t stop there.
Let’s talk about all the reasons a three year old may cry.  Because they are always very rational.  Tonight’s crying was courtesy of me not be willing to put her in third outfit 15 minutes before bedtime.  I said, “you are going to bed in 15 minutes.  Wait 15 minutes and I’ll put you in your pajamas.”  WAY WRONG ANSWER!  As I heard from her five year old brother, lecture #34 about how I should have, after cleaning her up, put her in the fresh change of clothes.
Tonight’s sign would have been “I didn’t change my daughter into her third outfit 15 minutes before bedtime.”  Did I mention we’re still potty training?  Apparently with the influx of snow eating, she is not dehydrated.
Posted in parenting | Tagged , | 1 Comment

I Wasn’t Privy To The Bathroom Details

Previously posted on Bleeping Motherhood

Let’s talk potty training. Or potty learning.  Or getting the hell out of buying more diapers.

I’ve heard cloth diapering is an option. Now in the midst of potty training, I believe that’s what I’m doing.  Only, it’s with Elsa waving her magic wand at my daughter, telling her to “let it go” in her brand new underwear.

When I first told my mom I was going to do the 3 day, $75 method, I heard the disapproval in her voice. Like, what method of potty training would I spend $75 on?  When I told her the $75 was to clean the carpets afterwards, the face relaxed and she came to my side.  After knowing the hell I was about to embark on, I think she thought if I only spent $75, I was coming out ahead.

Potty training my daughter has not had the ease that I heard girls were. I thought girls were able to hold it longer.  I didn’t think girls would aim their pee.  Little did I know.

One of my “favorite” moments so far (and I say so far because after 6 months of this, she’s STILL NOT POTTY TRAINED!) include my daughter not holding it and aiming.

I had been on the treadmill, euphoric because I had finally jogged to the 4 mile mark. Before getting on the treadmill, I had my daughter pee on the toilet because I didn’t want to be interrupted on what was sure to be a long jog.

As I was finishing my jog, my daughter came to me, pride written all over her face, that she needed to show me something. I finished my jog, came to our main level and she pointed to a puddle on the floor.  “Look mom, I peed, from up there!” Imagine a slow motion looking up to see pee dripping over the top of the upstairs landing, down the wall/ceiling to the floor before.  That’s right, my daughter took her clothes off at the top of the landing, leaned against the railing to direct her pee over the landing, to waterfall to the floor below.

Mad props to her for her inventiveness? I was in desperate need of a paper towel fairy.  And a drink.  A large drink.

Posted in parenting | Tagged , | 19 Comments

Sunglasses for sailors had better be seeworthy

2015-06-01 09.28.57I had an unsettling experience recently.  I realized I am a 35+ adult with two children.

That does seem ridiculous to say.  As I’ve been a participant these last 35+ years in this life I live, so you would think that I would have realized it before last month.  But there I was, on the recent beach business trip, forgetting.

It happened like this.  My mini-ions, mother, sister and I had settled on to our spot on the beach for the day.  I had lost my sunglasses, and was sunburned from the previous day on the beach, so I was little grumpy.  I put on Mini-ion #1’s sunglasses just to get some relief from the sun, but there was no relief from the constant pulling and crawling over sun-burned skin that my mini-ions seem to do at a constant rate.

The place where my parents take us to beach vacations is mostly families with children that all frolic in the sand together.  And in short order, the mini-ions found children to play with in the sand.  As we were all beginning to relax into our spot, I started to realize that the people next to us weren’t grandparents or another family, but they were couples, in their mid 20’s, tossing back cans of bud light.

I could almost taste it.  Dear Husband and I were married nearly seven years before we even started trying to have mini-ions because we were just having too much fun being young and enjoying life.  And while we still try to find ways to have fun, our lives changed TREMENDOUSLY from pre-mini-ions to post-mini-ions.  Yes.  Of course I love these little bundles of joy.  Of course they push and pull at my heart in ways I never thought possible.  But as the young couples’ party was amping up around us, I had a realization.

I’m the 35+ mom with the two crazy kids, sunburned, glaring at the youngsters partying around me.  In my son’s sunglasses.

Posted in family, parenting | Tagged , | 5 Comments

A lifeguard’s vocation is vacation

20150513_150929Claire Dunphy, in the tv show Modern Family, once said, “I’m travelling with my kids.  I’m not going on vacation, this is a business trip.”  And I fully believe that.

Back in my advertising days, I travelled quite a bit.  Its a different scene, interacting with different people.  But you still have to get your work done, its just a little harder because you don’t have the same tools you’d have at your office.

However, my parents recently took us to the beach.  By us, I mean the Mini-ions and me, dear husband needed to stay home to work.  That meant I had the majority of the diaper changes (except when Mini-ion #2 insisted her grandpa needed to change her!).  I had the majority of the food responsibilities.  I was entirely responsible for putting them to bed each night, which is typically a shared responsibility.

While typically, I would consider this another business trip, as the Mini-ions get older, things start to get easier, including finding ways to help me.

No, it wasn’t helpful when my mom would sit in her chair and ask the Mini-ions if they were taking a variety of things with them to the beach which she had no access to (or even any idea where they were) which resulted in a 10 minute delay for a frantic search and a meltdown.

But it was helpful when she sat with them to do beach crafts.  It was helpful when my dad took the Mini-ions to the beach each morning, giving me about 45 minutes to myself (which I stupidly used most mornings to jog on the beach).  It was helpful when my sister flew to my airport in order to endure a 10 hour drive with us to the beach in the middle of the night.  Then woke up in the middle of the night to endure another 10 hour drive, with a puking child, back to the airport, to then fly home.

While most vacations at this point in my life are business trips.  This business trip was certainly a LOT easier.  Thanks to my family.  Love you!  Can’t wait for next year 🙂

Posted in parenting | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment

Funny loggers like to humor wood

In February, I seemed to be going through a rough time in my life.  I couldn’t pinpoint what it was exactly, but I was just blue.  I joked that I needed to go through a sad period just before going to Disney World, the happiest place on earth.

During this blue period, my friend Audrey emailed me with an idea.  Audrey is another friend from college who has transitioned into mommydom too.  To know Audrey is to love her and her irreverent sense of humor.  Just thinking about getting together with Audrey puts a smile on my face because I know halfway in to whatever we’re doing, my face muscles will start to hurt from smiling and my stomach muscles from laughing.

I’d call her humor fresh.  It’s rarely malicious and mostly goes that little bit further that you didn’t think it could go.  Whenever I have a creative problem I need solved, she’s the first person I turn to, and its always solved.

When she emailed me about putting together a mom humor site, I knew I wanted to jump on board.  Like, run after a departing train and use all my muscles to get aboard this train before it left the station.  Because it was destined to be huge.

And during the creation of this, my blues melted away.  Maybe it was the continuous laughter, or the fun of collaborating with a friend.

But feeling those blues melt away made me realize how important this site is.  Because Moms go through this.  Periods of blues, seemingly from no where, or maybe from everywhere, from all of the things hitting us at once.  And Moms need a place to let go and get the mental garbage out.

We’re just getting started, but we’ve got lots of fun planned, already, in our first week.  I think you’ll enjoy the Audreyness as much as I do.

I introduce to you –  Make sure to like us on facebook and twitter, whatever social media platforms you enjoy.

bleeping motherhood

Posted in parenting | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments